I know some, if not most of these are repeats or old ones but I thought I would try to put a smile on everyone's face. Enjoy.
1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist - - they don't expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
6. Never answer an anonymous letter.
7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
9. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.
11. No one is paying attention until you make a mistake.
12. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
13. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
14. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
15. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
16. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
17. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
18. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
19. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
20. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
21. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
(My Favorite)
22. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
23. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
24. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
25. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
26. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
27. You can't have everything; where would you put it?
28. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
29. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
30. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
31. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
32. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
33. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
34. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
35. DARE to keep cops off donuts.
36. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
37. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
38. God made mankind. Sin made him evil.
39. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
40. I just let my mind wander and it didn't come back.
(Another Favorite)
41. Don't steal. The government hates competition.
42. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
43. All generalizations are false.
44. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
45. Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
46. If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
47. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
48. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
49. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
50. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
51. I can handle pain until it hurts.
52. No matter where you go, there you are.
53. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
54. It's been Monday all week!
(I’ve had those weeks/months)
55. Gravity always gets me down.
56. This statement is false.
57. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.
58. It's bad luck to be superstitious.
59. According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
60. The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.
61. Honk if you like peace and quiet.
62. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into airplane engines.
63. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
64. A day without sunshine is like night.
65. The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
66. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
67. Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the law.
68. Life is too complicated in the morning.
69. Nobody's perfect. I'm nobody.
70. Ask me about my vow of silence.
71. The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
72. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
73. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
74. If at first you don't succeed then skydiving isn't for you.
75. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
76. Stop repeat offenders! Don't re-elect them!
77. I intend to live forever. So far, so good!
78. Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?
79. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
80. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
81. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
82. I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I
83. I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
84. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
85. Vacation begins when dad says, "I know a short cut".
86. What's another word for "Thesaurus"?
87. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
88. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
89. I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out!