Couple of jokes

[[DvT]UY]

The Husband Store

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A brand new store has just opened in London that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:-

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 -These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago,' the homeless man replied.

'Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?' the man asked

'No, I don't waste time fishing,' the homeless man said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?' the man asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless man. 'I haven't played golf in 20 years!'

'Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?' the man asked.

'What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?' exclaimed the homeless man.

'Well,' said the man, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.'

The homeless man was astounded. 'Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

The man replied,” That’s okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex.'

[{OF}Malicious Assault]

LOL those are good

[{DvT}Soapy]

To all my health conscious friends. This is for you.

>
>
> The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.
>
> Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they
> watched their pennies.
>
> Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the
> life's nagging insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last
> decade.
>
> One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare
> vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
>
> They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took
> them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a
> fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be
> seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
>
> They gasped in astonishment when St. Peter said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This
> will be your home now.'
>
> The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
>
> 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
>
> The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship
> golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth.
>
> 'What are the greens fees?', grumbled the old man.
>
> 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
>
> Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with
> every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks
> to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
>
> 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. 'This is Heaven, it is
> all free for you to enjoy.'
>
> The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
>
> ' Well, where are the low fat and low c holesterol foods, and the
> decaffeinated tea?' he asked.
>
> 'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as
> much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.
> This is Heaven!'
>
> The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
>
> 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
>
> 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
>
> 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
>
> The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your bran muffins. We
> could have been here ten years ago!