Quotes

[{OF}G_Man]

Sometimes, when I look at my children,
I say to myself "Lillian,
you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and
I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read
the description in the catalog:
"No good in a bed,
but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman
was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister,
and now wish to withdraw
that statement.
-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is
to have a good beginning and
a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea.
Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry.
If you get a good wife,
you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one,
you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
--Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment
in her speech.
Every now and then
she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough
to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad
that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness
But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen,
I thought my name was
SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath

I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because
of the disgusting things
that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow
the aging process down
if it had to work its way
through Congress.
-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding
temptation. . As you grow older,
it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true
that life begins at fifty ..
But everything else starts
to wear out, fall out,
or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough
to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good, spit itout

[{OF}Flying_Dutchman]

Thanks G.

And us Old Farts appreciate the larger font!

[{OF}Erad]

Yes G! For once I didn't have to use the built Windows in font magnifier!