NEW RULES BY BILL MAHRE

{OF}GreyGhost · 01-10-2006, 02:52 PM

1. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you
don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the
captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

2. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human
finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than
a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was
only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to
keep it alive.

3. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their
hot, blond teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better
description for these kids: lucky bastards.

4. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball
cards, you're gay. When you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of
your idols. When you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

5. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

6. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a
whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that
watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You
want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.
That's your flavored water.

7. New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, and with a bigger label. And
the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how
to open it, his old butt will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

8. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger
the a-hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're such a huge butt hole.

9. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding
my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the
amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"
again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
eating my Almond Joy.

10. New Rule: Ladies, just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the
crack of your ***. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The
last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

11. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the
seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of
Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker
table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive
farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The
Howard Stern Show."

12. New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry
for M&Ms, I'll go wild and eat two.

13. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just
for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it
for you isn't gift giving, it's the snooty version of looting.

14. New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a
mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if
he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't
want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

15. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to
know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not
a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

16. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the
Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the
first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie